He Already Swiped Right

October 3, 2018 / BY Kristin Fry

Men and women are wired differently when it comes to …. well, just about everything. But especially in dating and relationships.

One of those differences seems to be most obvious early on in the dating process. Imagine this scenario: A guy and girl match online. They manage to coordinate their schedules and arrange a time and place to meet. The first date goes well; really well in fact. Everything felt right. They covered all the basics in their non-negotiables and to top it off, the physical chemistry was on point. Conversation was easy and there was even talk about future dates. She goes home and debriefs to a handful of her girlfriends. The next few days are filled with interesting and slightly flirtatious text exchanges. It seems he had a great time as well. More time passes, but he isn’t initiating date number two. She wonders what’s taking so long. All the while, she is writing the story of their future together in her mind. Still, more time passes. Did he ghost? More time. Nothing. He ghosted. But she persisted. And eventually he resurfaced and told her he wasn’t interested in a second date.

She is devastated. She had already imagined what her first name would sound like with his last name. Not because she’s weird, but because she’s a girl and that’s what girls do. I get it. We’re just wired like that. For him, however, it was just a second date. What was the big deal? There are plenty of people to have second dates with.

I don’t know why, but when women are rejected from date number two, it can feel like the death of a dream of one day getting married. For the man, this was just a cute girl he was texting with – but there are plenty of cute girls and he wants to explore all the options.

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And this is the unfortunate reality of dating apps. There are plenty of options. And the guy has every intent of taking advantage of this. The girl is trying to process what to do next: delete the apps or try again?

And this is the fork in the road that can get some women into trouble. Not all, but some. She starts asking questions that sound like, “What was wrong with me that he didn’t want to go out again?”, “What could I have done differently?” “Did I offend him, was I not funny enough, am I not pretty”? The list goes on and on. And she begins to wonder if, for the next guy, she needs to do something differently to keep him around a little longer.

The answer is no. Who she is right now is enough. More than enough, in fact.

Here is why this is so important to understand; in a dating relationship or not. What you believe about yourself not only has implications for your self-esteem, but also affects how you interact with other people and how you allow them to interact with you. This includes your behavior with the men you date and how you go about dating them.

If you don’t have confidence that you are of great worth—that you are beautiful and desirable just as you are—then you’ll be tempted to get into situations with men that you later regret.

It’s really common for us women to believe that we are either not good enough or unlovable, most likely stemming from a past negative experience. We believe what other people think about us, say to us, or do to us instead of turning to what God thinks about us, says to us, and has done for us. When we begin to believe lies about ourselves, they inform our identity without us even realizing it. The outcome is that we start doing crazy things, particularly in regard to men and relationships. We start dating men we shouldn’t and hanging on to relationships past their expiration date. We say yes to things we aren’t really that interested in because we’ve told ourselves that’s the only way to keep the guy around.

The good news is that God chose us based on nothing we did or earned. Better yet, he declares us perfect. We didn’t have to perform our way into God’s love. We didn’t need to change anything about us for God to love us. Which also means we’ll never have to worry if we’ll accidentally perform our way out of His love.

 This may be the most important piece of information you can know while dating. Men who love Jesus want to live like he lived, and they want to treat you in a way that reflects that. You don’t need to change yourself or wonder if you’re enough when you are dating the right guy.

God says your worth is not up for debate. The case has been closed. You have been chosen and you are loved. And the right guy – the kind of guy you really want – will love that about you. Better yet, he doesn’t want to change you. But if he does, move on. God already swiped right on you. End of story.


This post originally appeared on Kristin’s blog here. Used by permission.

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Kristin Fry is an author and speaker on topics of leadership, relationships, and emotional health. In her book, Beyond the Swipe, she addresses dating in the digital age, instilling confidence and hope in those who are wanting to date well. She has been a staff member at the nation’s largest churches and Christian Universities, and currently lives in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook, or kristinfry.com

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